Conversations

Jen and I had a nice past few nights. She had got 3 days off from work because a few of her friends from back home were comin down, she had been planning this for months. On Friday she had got a voicemail from her one friend sayin that they would not be able to make it due to a flat tire and how much it would cost to fix it.

She was already having a hard time about getting older (25) and making new friends here has been hard for her so, all she wanted was to be with her best friends on her B-Day. I was not really planning on be around all that much I wanted to work all this weekend and then some. I had no idea what to say to her and how to react I knew she was feeling like crap about it all. I don't think I have witnesses her like this before and it was killing me. I had not prepared for her B-day and I only had about $40.00 on me. So, we went out to BW-3s had Chicken wings and beer. I was absolutly tired from not gettting any sleep the night before. I had woke up at 4 am and been up ever since.

As we ate and drank the night away we talked about a lot of things. She told me all about her relationship wth her biological father. She told me all about how he had left I think when she was about 7 years old and never saw her after that although he had only lived about 20 miles away. He mentioned to her mother that the reason why he had decided to stay away was because she always cried when he left her. According to him he did not want to see this so he decided to just stay away. Jen does not understand how he could do this and never try to be a part of her life. The conversation got pretty deep and Jen started to cry...could of been the beer to though.

Yea so we both got down to the nitty gritty of our lives..it was a good conversation for the both of us to have.

Clive Law

xANAx Hangover?

Yeah so the Xanax thing....hmmm well I'm not feeling very cool today here at work. I can't think for the life of me. I have been talking to people and just can't seem to comprehend what they are saying to mt. I think I'm going to have to leave early but I really need the money for my kids. Texted Jen to see if she can come and get me..no response yet :(

Decisions decisions.....
Clive
11:45AM

XANAX

Yummy Yummy and good night to all....hmm I think I'm starting to get addicted to this shit.

When I don't take these I don't have cool dreams.






More @ 11

Clive

What a long friggin day...I'm on the phone with this old guy who can barely be alive! Sometimes it's so hard to stay focused! I should really be listening to this guy and coaching him along but I really dont feel like it right now. Got heree at about 8:30 am started at 9am...long time to sit on your ass if you ask me.

Jen

For the past few nights I have been stayin with Jen. I'm starting to like her a lot, this is scarey. I don't know what the hell I was thinking!! Lastnight she was talking about her best friend and roommate Yet another Jen, wanted to move to AZ. My Jen said that she did not want to go so I like a retard let my dumb mouth open up and tell her that she could live with me. I really would not mind living together but I was afraid that I freaked her out. She said she wasn't at all but she really didn't talk anymore about it.

Talking to Jeff my roommate today about all of this, he said it was a cool idea but not to do anything like that to soon. He was real happy for me that I FINALLY found someone that I could trust and like as much as I do.

Ok well I planned on writing more about all of this but I took a Xanax and an melatonin so I'm getting pretty dizzy.

Ciao For Now,
Clive Law

Wedding Pics

Syn and Dani finally released some pics from the wedding to the public.. Yeah we think were cool!

Goin On Without Me

Got an e-mail lastnight from Syn. They have dreamed of doing this for a long time now. They have been running their business right of out their home for years now...or is it they have been living out of their business? Finally they can move out to another apartment and remodel the loft for just the studio. They rented out the apartment upstairs so they actually have a place they can call home.

I'm so proud of these two ..I can remember when Syn and I were on the front step everyday syn with the guitar and I would sing really crazy songs about kitty litter. Some days people would actually throw change at us while they were driving by..LOL "Yay we made $0.35 today!" Really that's how we met. I worked on the same block. I was walking back from work and I had seen Syn out front playin his guitar for days and I wanted to know what he was doin. I was at the time Mr. Stick up mah ass lookin..I was they guy that always had his shirt tucked in tryin to fit in with the business guys. Syn was my total opposite but after talking for about an hour out there the night progressed on till about 5am. Syn his fiance Danielle and I have hung out ever since. They have helped me in so many ways it's too much to write here. Through them I also met some other close friends.

Everyone loves this couple , there is something real special about them. I had the honor of being one of two best men in their wedding. I never thought that I would be anything like to to anyone. I was not expecting that at all. It was a dream like wedding I was so happy for them.

I do feel bad that I'm not there to help out with this remodeling of the studio..I have always been there for them during any major event for the place but now I can't. I moved ...I should of stayed around. I wonder if it's sick to be in love with a couple like I am?

Clive Law

The Truth

Ok.... what?

There have been alot of changes in the past few months and I have not kept up on any of them.

I'm working dsl tech support for a large phone company..you know, Mufasa?

So yeah it's a lot better than my previous job but not as cool as others thats I've had. I can't complain though it's not like I have to get all dressed up to go to work, I can wear whatever I want to sit back and try to relax as I have people yelling at me because they decided to change some settings on their PC and it messed everything up.

Some customers really want to tear into you during these calls. ... so badly I just want to say " You know Sir/Mam, I do know where you live and I have all the info I need right in front of me to do what I need to do so FUCK OFF!" Ok got that out now I feel better.

Some of the people I talk to on the other hand are commical for instance:
Call: TechWinInstall
This lady could not understand for the life of her why her internet was not working. Immediatly I ask if her modem is plugged in and she had no idea. When she went to check she asked what she should plug the power cord into.

"Well, you plug it into the outlet."
She then replied, "What's that look like it's very dark in here!"

WOW, yeah I said that to her what could I do but laugh? This lady had no lamps plugged in and she could not see anything.

So yeah that's one thing I'm doing these days. I have also found myself working on a soundtrack for a videogame more on that later...gotta go.

Clive Law

Bored

So here I am on Monday bored as fuck in the Local Lib station. I don't have anything to do these days. I got so used to working nights and fuckin off during the days that it's weird to have a few weeks off from all of that. The good thing is that I have access to a lot of books!

There's a girl sitting a few feet away from me that loks exactly like Sherry. It's almost scarey to me. Damn I wonder what it would be like if I had stayed with her. I know that I would be better off finacially but as far as my happiness goes I would be dying about now. She stood in the military as far as I heard and she was off to Iraq.

I don't know if she ever made it back or what happened with all of that. This girl makes the same faces as her even. I can tell she's about 19 just like when I met Sherry.

I don't know what the fuck I'm writing about anymore Im gone!

Clive

WTF?

So yea when I left here the other day I got a call, it was HP! What are they calling about, to just rub in the fact that they are not going to hire me after saying that they would?
It was a woman named Ashley. She said that there were a few people that were not going to work out for the company and if I was still interested that they would love to have me on the team. WTF? I had no idea what to day because I had just applied for another IT job that day and was hired on the spot. Also I have an intership with another Tech company (which reminds me I have to call again about today).

After some time thinking about it I called her back and said that I would take the offer. I start on the 29th. Well what do I do in the meantime? Now I have to go back to Verizon and tell them after all of that shit in one day I can't work for them. This HP thing had better go as planned or I'll have to hang someone from their eyelids!

After droppin Jen (my roommate) off at work I went down the street to the Tech place where I was wanting the internship. There was another guy there. I explained what I was looking for and he was not cool with it. He said that he wanted to pay me something for my time. I don't think he understands that I have a job and all I was and am looking for is expierence in the IT field. No matter he said that him and his partner would be talking more about it today and call me as soon as they have come to an agreement.

It's almost 4p now I hope they call me soon.

Clive Law

HP FUCKS!

Ahhh so I moved here because I was supposed to start working for HP. Well as it turns out someone at the recruiting office I went to for the job fucked up and took way too long submitting my info and they pulled the offer. What the hell am I going to do now. I have to somehow make it to Akron for Syn's wedding and I have absolutly no cash, and I'm the best man!

This really sucks bad, yeah that's all the words I have for it too.

I went to this place that does Tech Support for Verizon Online and got a job but it only pays $9.00 an hour....SHIT! I dunno once again how I'm going to do it but I have no other optionsbut to try again. Another situation that I face now is that I don't have a way out there. If I had a car it's only like 7 miles down the road and hardly a trip to take but I don't and my hours are 3:30p to midnight. If Jen really had to she could pick me up then but how do I get there? I have not seen any bus routes going out there.

God I really hope this was all in you plan for me, really because I can't handle much more than this!

Clive

Indianapolis

So here I am in a new city once again. I have not had access to an interet connection in some time now but I have finally made it to the local library. Pretty cool here they loan out laptops for use in the library. I have soo much to write but don't feel really like doing it all right now. I may come back tonight if I can.

Things are already starting off on the wrong foot here!

God Knows

Still alive...this sux oh well.

I'm getting ready to go to work. I talked to my boss guy the other day and told him of my situation. He said that he had to do some thinking and he would get back to me. I'm going in early and hopefully he has some good news because GOD knows I need some about now.

More at 11
Clive

Suicidal Thoughts

I have been having suicidal thought for the past few weeks. It's not because of Veronica I can say that for sure. I think I'm ok with her being gone. It has not botherd me as much.
I called her voicemail lastnight and I heard a message from some guy named Zac. I was disturbed for about a min but then I was actually ok.

I have been thinking about my life lately and how I have really fucked it all up. It does not look like I can even make it to Chicago if I wanted to. I'm about to have everything shut off and rent is due once again. Shit I still have not paid all of the past few months off yet.

I don't have anywhere to go. I don't have anything or anyone to back me up.

I got my check from work the other night. After Child support was taken out I had a total of $35.00 left.

FUCK this is becoming real shitty. I can't escape it either.
That same night that I got my check I came home and made a list of everyone that I needed to write a letter to.

Damn I can't even kill myself when I want to because I have so many letters to write. I just don't want anyone thinking they could of stopped it. I don't want anyone thinking it was their fault either.

I have to set a date for all of this and it has to be pretty soon.

Clive Law

Chicago

I have an inerview / testing in Chicago on the 27th. It's at 1pm.

I don't know if I should even call and tell Veronica about it or not.
I don't think she has to know. She has not tried to contact me in anyway for the past
few weeks so it's obvious that she wants nothing to do with me.

I have this friend named Danielle. She's kinda like me likes to move around and see new places.

Shit I can't write to tired blah
Clive

Validation Night

I had a dream about Veronica lastnight. I hate having dreams about her. i want to forget that s all.

I have decided that I will no longer settle for anyone. Lastnight my ex stopped by because I had
asked her earlier after her date to come by. I had spent all day inside and all night.
I had nowhere to go and no money to go out.

I did have those movies I rented from the other night so I watched one of them.
I also took up painting lastnight....yea painting. I only used black on white but somehow
I really released a lot of my thoughts into most of them. An image started to emerge once
I got started with the paint. I have a series of 3 that tell my ending story.

When Terra seen them she was freaked out and asked what they hell they were supposed
to be. I told her they were me. I explained each one to her.

She could tell I was not having a very good night. She stood for awhile with me on the coush just letting me hold her. It really calmed my mind down.

When she was about to leave some how we stated to kiss. The same old story one thing let to another and we had sex.

It was not anything I really wanted to do but I felt like I had to. Validation I guess.

Clive

Keeping busy

I was all set for a night alone watching depressing movies and feeling sorry for myself.
I was in the video store and felt like crying. Yea I'm a wuss but I could not help it.

When i returned home my friend Val called me and wanted to know if I wanted to go
out with her and her bf to a club where he works. I did not want to but then I thought shit
what the hell.

So anywho I met the owners of the place and I drank more than I wanted to and now...
now I'm drunk as shit listening to opie and anthony.

When I got in I had a few messages from my former best friend Mark. It was like old
times again he left off like we never had a falling out. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Yea I'm thinking about Veronica but I'm doing fine.

Ok the room is spinning so I'm going to trry to lay down.

Ciao For Now,
Clive

New Days Alone

She's gone and there was no warning.
A few roses now mark the day when she left me.
She gave me two roses, made love to me and left.
"I don't love you anymore."
I have not heard from her since.

This marks my new days alone.

Ali a girl I work with said that it was a good idea that I get out and have some fun.
Veronica left me on Thursday last week. Friday I went out with Ali and her friends.
I did have alot of fun and ended up with a weekend romace that filled my time so that
I did not think about Veronica for the time being.

2 days of druken madness and lust. It was wonderful. I missed it!
Lastnight was the first night that I actually had time to sit and think about all of this.
I don't know if I miss her or if I'm happy to be alone once more. I have not had time
to think about it.

I'm worried about what I'm going to do tomarrow. I have 2 days off and I'm not sure
what to do. I got so used to seeing her in my spare time and if not seeing her then
I knew that I would talk to her later that day or night. Now she's gone and I have
days and nights filled with silence to look foward to.

I have not made to many friends in this town even though I have been here almost a year.

Today I thought about moving to Chicago. I have this problem with running away from my
problems. I rarely stay and fight.

Huh? Funny I just looked at a bottle cap from a pop I just bought and it says:
"Soon you will be sitting on top of the world."

I really hope so because my life right now is about to become a very sad country song.
Grrr and I hate country music.

Clive