So many changes in such short of a time span

So many changes in such short of a time span.

It's driving me a little nuts to tell you the truth. Got back from NYC in Feb excited to see my daughter and poof! No one home .. nothing left in my house to even remind me of her.

Did I deserve this .. yes to a degree but, not like this.

I'm so stressed out .. have a major project thats due in no time at all. Got screwed out of my vacation time for this entire year, my bonus pay and now my apartment complex is messing up on me. Grrrr!!!

I'm seeing someone new these days but I have no time alone anymore. I feel pressured to go go go and that's not what I want right now. Even when I have down time I really don't .. there are things I should be doing.

I have no real friends around here to talk to .. no family per usual. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or just wore out from not resting like I should be.

Jen says I can't see Rylie anymore .. because I smoke and according to her "have women in and out all the time" which is really a made us scenereo in her mind.

I can't focus today on anything .. I feel like I'm back in Feb , like my life is falling apart again. Maybe it's because I rushed into things and didn't give myself a chance to think before i leaped in?

I don't want to talk anymore .. I wish no one expected me to say a word. That would start the beginning of happiness for me I think.

I don't want to see anymore either .. that would be nice.

I do want to hear .. I wish I could just do nothing but sit for a month.

I miss my friends .. my real friends.

I miss my daugter.


- Me

Confused

Yes... it's about that time again in my life where I'm torn right down the middle.
Not sure which side is right .. which side is wrong.

There is no instruction manual for this .. not even a good word of advice. Was I supposed to just act like things never happened? I caused a lot of pain .. i think it's because I'm messed up .. not you.

I also think I will continue on this path because it's who I am .. who I always have been.

a family? .. would love to have a real family but it's still very foreign to me and I'm not sure at this time it can ever be taught.

"Continue .. and you will die a lonely death"

Probably true.

I'm content being alone no matter what some think.
I'm not content when someone knows me too well.
it hurts too much when they leave.. that's a pain I will
NEVER feel again.

Clive

More time?

You demand more time ..

I'm not really sure where the hell you want me to gain that from but if you have any ideas please let me know. I'm trying to work on 2 careers here and you are on barely one?
Sacrifices have to be made in order for you to drive that new car of yours and mine .. in order for us to live where we do and in order for my children to be taken care of ... if this means that I can't spend as much time as you see fit then it has to be so. I'm sorry.

Hate me if you want but this is me .. I had nothing growing up and I swore to myself I would not have my kids live that way so this is what I have to do and I will .. NO PERSON will stop me from providing for my kids!

You see my photography as some sort of damn game . like I'm wasting my time with it. It's not it's fuckin undeniable that this can go somewhere and if you can't see that .. you will end up just like the rest of the people who didn't belive in me ... sayin shit like "I remember when".

I love you but I will NOT be held down from my dreams .. I have to do this. I have let way too many others keep me from doing what I KNOW I was meant to do .. I'm not letting that happen EVER again. Photography is a part of me and it will NEVER go away.. it will take time and it will always be in our lives for as long as you stay around.

I guess you don't understand something .. when you gave me shit today about leaving ... to go edit pics .. you basically said you don't give a fuck about what my photography means to me. That is something I will always have .. there is nothing to gurantee you will be always be here with me.

We have the rest of our lives to spend time with each other .. I told you this year and next I would be very busy and it would have to be that way. Sacrifices have to be made .. and if you continue on the path that you are .... then you will be the 1st to leave. I can be alone with my daughter I have no issues with that .. I have survived worse in my life .. you haven't. I will fight for the future of my kids and if anyone is in my way of that they can be assured they will be cut off personally.

fin

Diary of a Madman

Where to begin with this ...

My mind is wrapped around so many so many things right now it's getting hard to keep up with it all. Mini freak outs here and there .. silent screams, nerves all shot. My brain feels like it's about to explode at times.

I need a break .. a real one .. go away where no one knows me again. I seem to get into this situation everywhere I go. Each new path leads to the same situations ... me stuck feeling like a mad man but this time I have to keep my cool, too many people watching.

Sometimes .. I feel like running away , just like I always have before .. it's safe and I know that I can start over again .. new identity, new life although usually very lonely.

Some moments I want to stay ... thinking these things will solve themselves without human intervention but I know deep down it's not the case.

I don't think I have ever got to be me .. not for years ... I can't remember when the last time I was actually me.

No, I'm not outgoing ..
No, I'm not the type of person to share my thoughts or feelings with you .. it's just not me but yet I still have.

I play the roles well because it's what I was taught .. "act as if" in all situations so no one knows. I make friends easily because I was taught how. It's getting harder and harder to do that. I'm afraid no one will like the real me .. introverted? Maybe to some ... I just think a lot. Sometimes I can't think ... sometimes I can't smile.. nothing personal .. it's just who I am.

Sometimes I like to stare off into space ... stare at the walls and let the thoughts flood in and out .. each being carefully looked over one by one but in a matter of seconds.

Sometimes I like to drive far away just to drive and see a new area I have never seen before... sometimes I just like to be alone .. it's just how I was raised .. alone and that became comfortable to me. I embraced being alone .. I embraced the conversations with no one.

This is not how a normal person is ... this is not how a man with children is supposed to be.

Does this make me a bad parent? Does this make me a crazy man? Does this make any damn sense at all?

I have been here before .. thought I had fixed this place ... I was wrong .. I can't fix it! It's not meant to be fixed .. I can see this now .. finally, it's just who I am.

For some this will be a hard ideal to except .. but if I can't be me , then you will never really know who I am.

Screaming out the window
Watch me die .. again today
Hopeless .. situation
Endless price I'll have to pay

- Diary of a Madman

Clive

TEST FROM ADOBE CONTRIBUTE

this is a test from adobe contribute

Catch up.

I think I really need to get back on this blog. My life has changed over and over again.. found myself with no time to write anymore. This used to me my outlet .. how I would get it all out. Happy, Sad, blah blah blah.


Fashion Week!

What a crazy time ... I'll have to get into all that later on.


Lastnight I was a judge for a casting call for a show coming up called "Hip Hop Vs America". I knew it would not be the coolest thing I'd ever done but I needed to make an appearance somewhere ... after Fashion Week I kinda dropped out .. due to lack of time and a bunch of other things. (more on all that later).

So I arrived and met the show producer, Nicole and her staff. They all seemed pretty nice and welcomed me in. I guess the whole premise of the show is to send out a message that Hip Hop is not as bad as people think. My only issue with that is that well.... most "hip hop" I hear today does not say anything positive. So we had a long discussion about that and she tried to convince me otherwise... I'll give it a shot.

After receiving my notes cards and a general rundown on what they were looking for we got started. The other judges were actually my make-up team I used on all my shoots and another model that I have seen in many shows. Actually she was in one of my 1st pics ever published for fashion. We all caught up a little ... I apologized for not calling anyone etc.

"I was just too wore out after NYC" :) They were nice and accepted.

We all sat in our spots at the end of the runway ready to get to work. They had an MC there to basically call out the models to do what they had to do.

"Let's introduce our judges", "Judge #1, New York Fashion Week photographer _______ name here :)"

WOW - after he called out my name the response was crazy .. Everyone, I mean everyone yelled out loud and applauded for me! I have never had that kind of response before.. it was pretty cool actually. It was kinda nice to see that I was recognized for my work :)


So the casting went on .. models were called out by numbers. Walk the runway and we did what we were there to do. I have to say I was pretty shocked to see that only 4 out of 25 that were there would have honestly made it past me alone. The walks and looks on some of these girls were just INSANE!! I think most of them watched too many rap videos .. it was a runway walk we were looking for not a theatrical performance / Strip tease!! One "model" actually dipped at the end of the catwalk!! Another one was singing the whole time and one chewed gum (A BIG NO!!) and like a cow too the whole time. Some had crazy arms that were all over the place... some were bumps.. some were I swear high. (Nothing wrong with that .. just not cool at that time).


Oh my .. I'll have to see if I got any pics of the bad makeup and bad posing and put them up.

Ciao For Now,
Clive Law

New York Here I Come

God it's been a long time since I have even looked at Blogger.com let alone had time to write anything.

For the past year I have been taking a lot of pics... random things ... people etc. I somehow got into Fashion Photography and have all of the sudden been thrown into a lot more than I anticipated.

I shot a few Fashion shows and got published in some local mags around here... from there I got noticed by a few designers .. I have no idea why they liked my shooting style but they did. I began with a simple point and shoot camera. Taking pics really just for me and posted them on myspace. I started to get a reaction from all sorts of people. They started commenting on how I has my own style and how it was a little odd but still interesting. I made a deal with a guy off craigslist.. he was selling a camera .. a Canon XTi with an 18-55 mm stock lens for $800. I had a laptop that I no longer needed so I asked him if he wanted to trade. He accepted and off I was .. shooting everything like a madman.

My first shot at shooting fashion was at the Indianapolis Black Expo. After that I got published in the local mag. From there ... the designers called... asked if I wanted to have a similar expierence with the Midwest Fashion Week Shows. I accepted and spent about an 8 hour day there.. I got some decent shots but nothing to brag about. I made alot of connections though.. saw alot of people that I had seen before at the Expo.


From there I learned it was all like the political game I had to play in Akron and Cleveland. It's all who you know and not what you know. I contacted another designer and then another just to say hi and let them know I was interested in shooting their clothes.


Now after all of that and much more ... I'm off to shoot the Mercedes Bens New York Fashion Week shows! It was a goal of mine but not for a long time. It's really hard to get into those tents in Bryant Park... I was confirmed last week, I'm accredited and I'm in.


It's a little bit of a nerve fuck because I'm gonna be around all of these celebs and super models. I'm a nobody compared to them. When I get back I will have my pics published in a few publications as well as a gallery night in the city put on by a promotional group. I dunno it's all going so fast.

This past Sat, I got to meet and hang out with Megan McNierney (A-Model) during a casting call.. I will more than likely hang out with her and a few other designers while I'm in NYC after the shows.

I just did a shoot for another designer .. and my pics I took , one will be on the cover. In March also that same publication will do a 5 page feature on me.

I have been working my ass off for this but like I mentioned before .... it's all coming so fast.

Weird People

I really don't understand this place. I worked here for about a year under contract .. they decide that I don't meet the qualifications they set up and want to get rid of me. Today I was told they are talking more about hiring me on full time? All of the sudden I have the qualifications they need? Weird ass people.

Screwed!

So I'm getting a bit screwed at work .... the infra guy and I don't really get along so he's been talking behind my back as well as the leads back about me to the IT manager. Piece of shit I tell ya .. he has no idea I know about this so he comes with a smile every time he sees me. FUCK HIM!

I'm not going outta my way anymore to help him out I'm tired of his vegetarian dumb ass! I got ahold of the resumes for my replacement... wow ... nothing compared to me I tell ya.

Oh well I know when My release date will be .. they are going to make a decision at the beginning of October then I will have a 2 week notice after that so I have about 3 - 4 weeks left.

I have been submitting resumes all day today at work and at home... Chicago, Cleveland, Akron all over the place.

Jen and I pretty much decided on Akron/Cleveland unless I get a good offer in Chicago.

Clive

Going Nuts?

So we have determined that our child is of the Colic breed. "Every parents nightmare", from what I hear and can attest to. I'm not sure if it's me or just the whole colic thing but I think I'm going nuts!

Constant crying and only calm for minuets a day, most of the time when she is sleeping which is another battle to be discussed later. I feel bad for Jen because she deals with this day to day and doesn't get out much.

The shitty part is when I get home from work I'm mentally drained and hearing the screaming puts me in a bad mood. I have been trying my hardest to keep calm and sane but not so sure it's working anymore.

I have been going at it with Jen about stupid shit for the past few weeks and can't help it. I don't know what to do. I can't calm down, I hear crying and it automatically makes my adrenaline shoot sky high. Combine that with the stress of possibly loosing my job in the next month, and being mentally drained from the day to day duties I do, plus the battle to keep myself up on new technologies.

Fuck , sometimes I wished that I worked in a restaurant .. no need to really know too much or be smarter than the next guy.

My headaches are slowly creeping back in and I'm constantly tired from not wanting to go to bed early. I do'nt want to go to bed too early because I know Jen needs someone there with her .. to eat , bathroom whatever. Rylie wants to stay up late for god knows why.

I'm freaking out about Jen and I fighting ... if it goes on for too long this way i'm going to shut down. Not on purpose , it just happens that way. I know me and I know how my mind reacts to situations.

Am I going nuts?

Clive Law

Model: Amy Photos By: Jay (ME)

Model: Dara Photos By: Jay (ME)

Jen by J@Y

The Kid.. Our daughter Rylie