Upadate = Forgiven

The Update

When I had got home that night Jen was not there yet. I had a lot of time to cool off about it all but was still of course a little mad that anything like this had happened in the first place.

She had left me a note saying how sorry she was and how she should have never let her curiosity get the best of her.

“I don’t know where to begin. I’m awful, how’s that? Pathetic? Any better?

I feel like I could throw up right now, knowing that I have just fucked up the most important thing, and best thing in my life.”

It went on with more of the same

“I love you so much that I really scare myself. To be able to put myself out there is the scariest thing. I am so afraid of getting hurt, rejected, anything.”

“I know that I have done a terable thing and there are no excuses for it. I have completely fucked any trust that you have built for me and, I know how huge that is to you!”

This is the part of the letter that made me laugh a little and made me be a little more understanding about this.

“I love you so much I want to grow old with you, have your babies, have countless vacations, memories. I want to expierence the rest of my life with you. I want the house the dogs, the yard, grandchildren, sleepless nights, Christmas, birthdays…”

The list seemed to never end………

“trips to mexico, Italy, Japan, mowing yards, all the head aches, disappointments, tears, smiles, showers, first teeth, runny noses, camping, wine tastings, tango, salsa, foxtrot, finishing thought, words, changing diapers, arthritis, mistakes, learning…….

I started to laugh more and more and by the end of the letter I was no longer as mad as I thought I was.

When she got home I was outside on the deck laptop in hand writing about how mad I was earlier in the day and now how it was really nothing.

She came out and sat down in front of me. I had no idea what to say to her. If I were real mad still about it all I could ramble off a shit load of things. I was pretty calm though but I could not give in like that I thought.

I let her know that if this had been anyone else past or present I would no longer talk to them. I could cut them off like nothing I needed. Trust to me is #1 and you have to earn that from me and continue to show that you are able to handle it.

She started crying and again apologized and said how sorry she was. I gave my warning ..one that I have given everyone that I have dated before. Do not do anything like this again because I will give no warning and leave you. I know it was harsh but no one has really gone into my journals and things like that before, they had done smaller things to make me mistrust them so, for me to forgive her and let it go…I was making a real change in myself.

I know that in my past if anyone had done this to me I would have gone in an instant. I love Jen and I can honestly say that now because I’m staying and I want to. I don’t want to leave her over this..it was a mistake, we all make mistakes. We just have to learn from them.

Clive Law.