God Knows

Still alive...this sux oh well.

I'm getting ready to go to work. I talked to my boss guy the other day and told him of my situation. He said that he had to do some thinking and he would get back to me. I'm going in early and hopefully he has some good news because GOD knows I need some about now.

More at 11
Clive

Suicidal Thoughts

I have been having suicidal thought for the past few weeks. It's not because of Veronica I can say that for sure. I think I'm ok with her being gone. It has not botherd me as much.
I called her voicemail lastnight and I heard a message from some guy named Zac. I was disturbed for about a min but then I was actually ok.

I have been thinking about my life lately and how I have really fucked it all up. It does not look like I can even make it to Chicago if I wanted to. I'm about to have everything shut off and rent is due once again. Shit I still have not paid all of the past few months off yet.

I don't have anywhere to go. I don't have anything or anyone to back me up.

I got my check from work the other night. After Child support was taken out I had a total of $35.00 left.

FUCK this is becoming real shitty. I can't escape it either.
That same night that I got my check I came home and made a list of everyone that I needed to write a letter to.

Damn I can't even kill myself when I want to because I have so many letters to write. I just don't want anyone thinking they could of stopped it. I don't want anyone thinking it was their fault either.

I have to set a date for all of this and it has to be pretty soon.

Clive Law

Chicago

I have an inerview / testing in Chicago on the 27th. It's at 1pm.

I don't know if I should even call and tell Veronica about it or not.
I don't think she has to know. She has not tried to contact me in anyway for the past
few weeks so it's obvious that she wants nothing to do with me.

I have this friend named Danielle. She's kinda like me likes to move around and see new places.

Shit I can't write to tired blah
Clive

Validation Night

I had a dream about Veronica lastnight. I hate having dreams about her. i want to forget that s all.

I have decided that I will no longer settle for anyone. Lastnight my ex stopped by because I had
asked her earlier after her date to come by. I had spent all day inside and all night.
I had nowhere to go and no money to go out.

I did have those movies I rented from the other night so I watched one of them.
I also took up painting lastnight....yea painting. I only used black on white but somehow
I really released a lot of my thoughts into most of them. An image started to emerge once
I got started with the paint. I have a series of 3 that tell my ending story.

When Terra seen them she was freaked out and asked what they hell they were supposed
to be. I told her they were me. I explained each one to her.

She could tell I was not having a very good night. She stood for awhile with me on the coush just letting me hold her. It really calmed my mind down.

When she was about to leave some how we stated to kiss. The same old story one thing let to another and we had sex.

It was not anything I really wanted to do but I felt like I had to. Validation I guess.

Clive

Keeping busy

I was all set for a night alone watching depressing movies and feeling sorry for myself.
I was in the video store and felt like crying. Yea I'm a wuss but I could not help it.

When i returned home my friend Val called me and wanted to know if I wanted to go
out with her and her bf to a club where he works. I did not want to but then I thought shit
what the hell.

So anywho I met the owners of the place and I drank more than I wanted to and now...
now I'm drunk as shit listening to opie and anthony.

When I got in I had a few messages from my former best friend Mark. It was like old
times again he left off like we never had a falling out. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Yea I'm thinking about Veronica but I'm doing fine.

Ok the room is spinning so I'm going to trry to lay down.

Ciao For Now,
Clive

New Days Alone

She's gone and there was no warning.
A few roses now mark the day when she left me.
She gave me two roses, made love to me and left.
"I don't love you anymore."
I have not heard from her since.

This marks my new days alone.

Ali a girl I work with said that it was a good idea that I get out and have some fun.
Veronica left me on Thursday last week. Friday I went out with Ali and her friends.
I did have alot of fun and ended up with a weekend romace that filled my time so that
I did not think about Veronica for the time being.

2 days of druken madness and lust. It was wonderful. I missed it!
Lastnight was the first night that I actually had time to sit and think about all of this.
I don't know if I miss her or if I'm happy to be alone once more. I have not had time
to think about it.

I'm worried about what I'm going to do tomarrow. I have 2 days off and I'm not sure
what to do. I got so used to seeing her in my spare time and if not seeing her then
I knew that I would talk to her later that day or night. Now she's gone and I have
days and nights filled with silence to look foward to.

I have not made to many friends in this town even though I have been here almost a year.

Today I thought about moving to Chicago. I have this problem with running away from my
problems. I rarely stay and fight.

Huh? Funny I just looked at a bottle cap from a pop I just bought and it says:
"Soon you will be sitting on top of the world."

I really hope so because my life right now is about to become a very sad country song.
Grrr and I hate country music.

Clive