You demand more time ..
I'm not really sure where the hell you want me to gain that from but if you have any ideas please let me know. I'm trying to work on 2 careers here and you are on barely one?
Sacrifices have to be made in order for you to drive that new car of yours and mine .. in order for us to live where we do and in order for my children to be taken care of ... if this means that I can't spend as much time as you see fit then it has to be so. I'm sorry.
Hate me if you want but this is me .. I had nothing growing up and I swore to myself I would not have my kids live that way so this is what I have to do and I will .. NO PERSON will stop me from providing for my kids!
You see my photography as some sort of damn game . like I'm wasting my time with it. It's not it's fuckin undeniable that this can go somewhere and if you can't see that .. you will end up just like the rest of the people who didn't belive in me ... sayin shit like "I remember when".
I love you but I will NOT be held down from my dreams .. I have to do this. I have let way too many others keep me from doing what I KNOW I was meant to do .. I'm not letting that happen EVER again. Photography is a part of me and it will NEVER go away.. it will take time and it will always be in our lives for as long as you stay around.
I guess you don't understand something .. when you gave me shit today about leaving ... to go edit pics .. you basically said you don't give a fuck about what my photography means to me. That is something I will always have .. there is nothing to gurantee you will be always be here with me.
We have the rest of our lives to spend time with each other .. I told you this year and next I would be very busy and it would have to be that way. Sacrifices have to be made .. and if you continue on the path that you are .... then you will be the 1st to leave. I can be alone with my daughter I have no issues with that .. I have survived worse in my life .. you haven't. I will fight for the future of my kids and if anyone is in my way of that they can be assured they will be cut off personally.
fin
Friday, October 24, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Diary of a Madman
Where to begin with this ...
My mind is wrapped around so many so many things right now it's getting hard to keep up with it all. Mini freak outs here and there .. silent screams, nerves all shot. My brain feels like it's about to explode at times.
I need a break .. a real one .. go away where no one knows me again. I seem to get into this situation everywhere I go. Each new path leads to the same situations ... me stuck feeling like a mad man but this time I have to keep my cool, too many people watching.
Sometimes .. I feel like running away , just like I always have before .. it's safe and I know that I can start over again .. new identity, new life although usually very lonely.
Some moments I want to stay ... thinking these things will solve themselves without human intervention but I know deep down it's not the case.
I don't think I have ever got to be me .. not for years ... I can't remember when the last time I was actually me.
No, I'm not outgoing ..
No, I'm not the type of person to share my thoughts or feelings with you .. it's just not me but yet I still have.
I play the roles well because it's what I was taught .. "act as if" in all situations so no one knows. I make friends easily because I was taught how. It's getting harder and harder to do that. I'm afraid no one will like the real me .. introverted? Maybe to some ... I just think a lot. Sometimes I can't think ... sometimes I can't smile.. nothing personal .. it's just who I am.
Sometimes I like to stare off into space ... stare at the walls and let the thoughts flood in and out .. each being carefully looked over one by one but in a matter of seconds.
Sometimes I like to drive far away just to drive and see a new area I have never seen before... sometimes I just like to be alone .. it's just how I was raised .. alone and that became comfortable to me. I embraced being alone .. I embraced the conversations with no one.
This is not how a normal person is ... this is not how a man with children is supposed to be.
Does this make me a bad parent? Does this make me a crazy man? Does this make any damn sense at all?
I have been here before .. thought I had fixed this place ... I was wrong .. I can't fix it! It's not meant to be fixed .. I can see this now .. finally, it's just who I am.
For some this will be a hard ideal to except .. but if I can't be me , then you will never really know who I am.
Screaming out the window
Watch me die .. again today
Hopeless .. situation
Endless price I'll have to pay
- Diary of a Madman
Clive
My mind is wrapped around so many so many things right now it's getting hard to keep up with it all. Mini freak outs here and there .. silent screams, nerves all shot. My brain feels like it's about to explode at times.
I need a break .. a real one .. go away where no one knows me again. I seem to get into this situation everywhere I go. Each new path leads to the same situations ... me stuck feeling like a mad man but this time I have to keep my cool, too many people watching.
Sometimes .. I feel like running away , just like I always have before .. it's safe and I know that I can start over again .. new identity, new life although usually very lonely.
Some moments I want to stay ... thinking these things will solve themselves without human intervention but I know deep down it's not the case.
I don't think I have ever got to be me .. not for years ... I can't remember when the last time I was actually me.
No, I'm not outgoing ..
No, I'm not the type of person to share my thoughts or feelings with you .. it's just not me but yet I still have.
I play the roles well because it's what I was taught .. "act as if" in all situations so no one knows. I make friends easily because I was taught how. It's getting harder and harder to do that. I'm afraid no one will like the real me .. introverted? Maybe to some ... I just think a lot. Sometimes I can't think ... sometimes I can't smile.. nothing personal .. it's just who I am.
Sometimes I like to stare off into space ... stare at the walls and let the thoughts flood in and out .. each being carefully looked over one by one but in a matter of seconds.
Sometimes I like to drive far away just to drive and see a new area I have never seen before... sometimes I just like to be alone .. it's just how I was raised .. alone and that became comfortable to me. I embraced being alone .. I embraced the conversations with no one.
This is not how a normal person is ... this is not how a man with children is supposed to be.
Does this make me a bad parent? Does this make me a crazy man? Does this make any damn sense at all?
I have been here before .. thought I had fixed this place ... I was wrong .. I can't fix it! It's not meant to be fixed .. I can see this now .. finally, it's just who I am.
For some this will be a hard ideal to except .. but if I can't be me , then you will never really know who I am.
Screaming out the window
Watch me die .. again today
Hopeless .. situation
Endless price I'll have to pay
- Diary of a Madman
Clive
Monday, March 03, 2008
Catch up.
I think I really need to get back on this blog. My life has changed over and over again.. found myself with no time to write anymore. This used to me my outlet .. how I would get it all out. Happy, Sad, blah blah blah.
Fashion Week!
What a crazy time ... I'll have to get into all that later on.
Lastnight I was a judge for a casting call for a show coming up called "Hip Hop Vs America". I knew it would not be the coolest thing I'd ever done but I needed to make an appearance somewhere ... after Fashion Week I kinda dropped out .. due to lack of time and a bunch of other things. (more on all that later).
So I arrived and met the show producer, Nicole and her staff. They all seemed pretty nice and welcomed me in. I guess the whole premise of the show is to send out a message that Hip Hop is not as bad as people think. My only issue with that is that well.... most "hip hop" I hear today does not say anything positive. So we had a long discussion about that and she tried to convince me otherwise... I'll give it a shot.
After receiving my notes cards and a general rundown on what they were looking for we got started. The other judges were actually my make-up team I used on all my shoots and another model that I have seen in many shows. Actually she was in one of my 1st pics ever published for fashion. We all caught up a little ... I apologized for not calling anyone etc.
"I was just too wore out after NYC" :) They were nice and accepted.
We all sat in our spots at the end of the runway ready to get to work. They had an MC there to basically call out the models to do what they had to do.
"Let's introduce our judges", "Judge #1, New York Fashion Week photographer _______ name here :)"
WOW - after he called out my name the response was crazy .. Everyone, I mean everyone yelled out loud and applauded for me! I have never had that kind of response before.. it was pretty cool actually. It was kinda nice to see that I was recognized for my work :)
So the casting went on .. models were called out by numbers. Walk the runway and we did what we were there to do. I have to say I was pretty shocked to see that only 4 out of 25 that were there would have honestly made it past me alone. The walks and looks on some of these girls were just INSANE!! I think most of them watched too many rap videos .. it was a runway walk we were looking for not a theatrical performance / Strip tease!! One "model" actually dipped at the end of the catwalk!! Another one was singing the whole time and one chewed gum (A BIG NO!!) and like a cow too the whole time. Some had crazy arms that were all over the place... some were bumps.. some were I swear high. (Nothing wrong with that .. just not cool at that time).
Oh my .. I'll have to see if I got any pics of the bad makeup and bad posing and put them up.
Ciao For Now,
Clive Law
Fashion Week!
What a crazy time ... I'll have to get into all that later on.
Lastnight I was a judge for a casting call for a show coming up called "Hip Hop Vs America". I knew it would not be the coolest thing I'd ever done but I needed to make an appearance somewhere ... after Fashion Week I kinda dropped out .. due to lack of time and a bunch of other things. (more on all that later).
So I arrived and met the show producer, Nicole and her staff. They all seemed pretty nice and welcomed me in. I guess the whole premise of the show is to send out a message that Hip Hop is not as bad as people think. My only issue with that is that well.... most "hip hop" I hear today does not say anything positive. So we had a long discussion about that and she tried to convince me otherwise... I'll give it a shot.
After receiving my notes cards and a general rundown on what they were looking for we got started. The other judges were actually my make-up team I used on all my shoots and another model that I have seen in many shows. Actually she was in one of my 1st pics ever published for fashion. We all caught up a little ... I apologized for not calling anyone etc.
"I was just too wore out after NYC" :) They were nice and accepted.
We all sat in our spots at the end of the runway ready to get to work. They had an MC there to basically call out the models to do what they had to do.
"Let's introduce our judges", "Judge #1, New York Fashion Week photographer _______ name here :)"
WOW - after he called out my name the response was crazy .. Everyone, I mean everyone yelled out loud and applauded for me! I have never had that kind of response before.. it was pretty cool actually. It was kinda nice to see that I was recognized for my work :)
So the casting went on .. models were called out by numbers. Walk the runway and we did what we were there to do. I have to say I was pretty shocked to see that only 4 out of 25 that were there would have honestly made it past me alone. The walks and looks on some of these girls were just INSANE!! I think most of them watched too many rap videos .. it was a runway walk we were looking for not a theatrical performance / Strip tease!! One "model" actually dipped at the end of the catwalk!! Another one was singing the whole time and one chewed gum (A BIG NO!!) and like a cow too the whole time. Some had crazy arms that were all over the place... some were bumps.. some were I swear high. (Nothing wrong with that .. just not cool at that time).
Oh my .. I'll have to see if I got any pics of the bad makeup and bad posing and put them up.
Ciao For Now,
Clive Law
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
New York Here I Come
God it's been a long time since I have even looked at Blogger.com let alone had time to write anything.
For the past year I have been taking a lot of pics... random things ... people etc. I somehow got into Fashion Photography and have all of the sudden been thrown into a lot more than I anticipated.
I shot a few Fashion shows and got published in some local mags around here... from there I got noticed by a few designers .. I have no idea why they liked my shooting style but they did. I began with a simple point and shoot camera. Taking pics really just for me and posted them on myspace. I started to get a reaction from all sorts of people. They started commenting on how I has my own style and how it was a little odd but still interesting. I made a deal with a guy off craigslist.. he was selling a camera .. a Canon XTi with an 18-55 mm stock lens for $800. I had a laptop that I no longer needed so I asked him if he wanted to trade. He accepted and off I was .. shooting everything like a madman.
My first shot at shooting fashion was at the Indianapolis Black Expo. After that I got published in the local mag. From there ... the designers called... asked if I wanted to have a similar expierence with the Midwest Fashion Week Shows. I accepted and spent about an 8 hour day there.. I got some decent shots but nothing to brag about. I made alot of connections though.. saw alot of people that I had seen before at the Expo.
From there I learned it was all like the political game I had to play in Akron and Cleveland. It's all who you know and not what you know. I contacted another designer and then another just to say hi and let them know I was interested in shooting their clothes.
Now after all of that and much more ... I'm off to shoot the Mercedes Bens New York Fashion Week shows! It was a goal of mine but not for a long time. It's really hard to get into those tents in Bryant Park... I was confirmed last week, I'm accredited and I'm in.
It's a little bit of a nerve fuck because I'm gonna be around all of these celebs and super models. I'm a nobody compared to them. When I get back I will have my pics published in a few publications as well as a gallery night in the city put on by a promotional group. I dunno it's all going so fast.
This past Sat, I got to meet and hang out with Megan McNierney (A-Model) during a casting call.. I will more than likely hang out with her and a few other designers while I'm in NYC after the shows.
I just did a shoot for another designer .. and my pics I took , one will be on the cover. In March also that same publication will do a 5 page feature on me.
I have been working my ass off for this but like I mentioned before .... it's all coming so fast.