Where to begin with this ...
My mind is wrapped around so many so many things right now it's getting hard to keep up with it all. Mini freak outs here and there .. silent screams, nerves all shot. My brain feels like it's about to explode at times.
I need a break .. a real one .. go away where no one knows me again. I seem to get into this situation everywhere I go. Each new path leads to the same situations ... me stuck feeling like a mad man but this time I have to keep my cool, too many people watching.
Sometimes .. I feel like running away , just like I always have before .. it's safe and I know that I can start over again .. new identity, new life although usually very lonely.
Some moments I want to stay ... thinking these things will solve themselves without human intervention but I know deep down it's not the case.
I don't think I have ever got to be me .. not for years ... I can't remember when the last time I was actually me.
No, I'm not outgoing ..
No, I'm not the type of person to share my thoughts or feelings with you .. it's just not me but yet I still have.
I play the roles well because it's what I was taught .. "act as if" in all situations so no one knows. I make friends easily because I was taught how. It's getting harder and harder to do that. I'm afraid no one will like the real me .. introverted? Maybe to some ... I just think a lot. Sometimes I can't think ... sometimes I can't smile.. nothing personal .. it's just who I am.
Sometimes I like to stare off into space ... stare at the walls and let the thoughts flood in and out .. each being carefully looked over one by one but in a matter of seconds.
Sometimes I like to drive far away just to drive and see a new area I have never seen before... sometimes I just like to be alone .. it's just how I was raised .. alone and that became comfortable to me. I embraced being alone .. I embraced the conversations with no one.
This is not how a normal person is ... this is not how a man with children is supposed to be.
Does this make me a bad parent? Does this make me a crazy man? Does this make any damn sense at all?
I have been here before .. thought I had fixed this place ... I was wrong .. I can't fix it! It's not meant to be fixed .. I can see this now .. finally, it's just who I am.
For some this will be a hard ideal to except .. but if I can't be me , then you will never really know who I am.
Screaming out the window
Watch me die .. again today
Hopeless .. situation
Endless price I'll have to pay
- Diary of a Madman
Clive
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Monday, March 03, 2008
Catch up.
I think I really need to get back on this blog. My life has changed over and over again.. found myself with no time to write anymore. This used to me my outlet .. how I would get it all out. Happy, Sad, blah blah blah.
Fashion Week!
What a crazy time ... I'll have to get into all that later on.
Lastnight I was a judge for a casting call for a show coming up called "Hip Hop Vs America". I knew it would not be the coolest thing I'd ever done but I needed to make an appearance somewhere ... after Fashion Week I kinda dropped out .. due to lack of time and a bunch of other things. (more on all that later).
So I arrived and met the show producer, Nicole and her staff. They all seemed pretty nice and welcomed me in. I guess the whole premise of the show is to send out a message that Hip Hop is not as bad as people think. My only issue with that is that well.... most "hip hop" I hear today does not say anything positive. So we had a long discussion about that and she tried to convince me otherwise... I'll give it a shot.
After receiving my notes cards and a general rundown on what they were looking for we got started. The other judges were actually my make-up team I used on all my shoots and another model that I have seen in many shows. Actually she was in one of my 1st pics ever published for fashion. We all caught up a little ... I apologized for not calling anyone etc.
"I was just too wore out after NYC" :) They were nice and accepted.
We all sat in our spots at the end of the runway ready to get to work. They had an MC there to basically call out the models to do what they had to do.
"Let's introduce our judges", "Judge #1, New York Fashion Week photographer _______ name here :)"
WOW - after he called out my name the response was crazy .. Everyone, I mean everyone yelled out loud and applauded for me! I have never had that kind of response before.. it was pretty cool actually. It was kinda nice to see that I was recognized for my work :)
So the casting went on .. models were called out by numbers. Walk the runway and we did what we were there to do. I have to say I was pretty shocked to see that only 4 out of 25 that were there would have honestly made it past me alone. The walks and looks on some of these girls were just INSANE!! I think most of them watched too many rap videos .. it was a runway walk we were looking for not a theatrical performance / Strip tease!! One "model" actually dipped at the end of the catwalk!! Another one was singing the whole time and one chewed gum (A BIG NO!!) and like a cow too the whole time. Some had crazy arms that were all over the place... some were bumps.. some were I swear high. (Nothing wrong with that .. just not cool at that time).
Oh my .. I'll have to see if I got any pics of the bad makeup and bad posing and put them up.
Ciao For Now,
Clive Law
Fashion Week!
What a crazy time ... I'll have to get into all that later on.
Lastnight I was a judge for a casting call for a show coming up called "Hip Hop Vs America". I knew it would not be the coolest thing I'd ever done but I needed to make an appearance somewhere ... after Fashion Week I kinda dropped out .. due to lack of time and a bunch of other things. (more on all that later).
So I arrived and met the show producer, Nicole and her staff. They all seemed pretty nice and welcomed me in. I guess the whole premise of the show is to send out a message that Hip Hop is not as bad as people think. My only issue with that is that well.... most "hip hop" I hear today does not say anything positive. So we had a long discussion about that and she tried to convince me otherwise... I'll give it a shot.
After receiving my notes cards and a general rundown on what they were looking for we got started. The other judges were actually my make-up team I used on all my shoots and another model that I have seen in many shows. Actually she was in one of my 1st pics ever published for fashion. We all caught up a little ... I apologized for not calling anyone etc.
"I was just too wore out after NYC" :) They were nice and accepted.
We all sat in our spots at the end of the runway ready to get to work. They had an MC there to basically call out the models to do what they had to do.
"Let's introduce our judges", "Judge #1, New York Fashion Week photographer _______ name here :)"
WOW - after he called out my name the response was crazy .. Everyone, I mean everyone yelled out loud and applauded for me! I have never had that kind of response before.. it was pretty cool actually. It was kinda nice to see that I was recognized for my work :)
So the casting went on .. models were called out by numbers. Walk the runway and we did what we were there to do. I have to say I was pretty shocked to see that only 4 out of 25 that were there would have honestly made it past me alone. The walks and looks on some of these girls were just INSANE!! I think most of them watched too many rap videos .. it was a runway walk we were looking for not a theatrical performance / Strip tease!! One "model" actually dipped at the end of the catwalk!! Another one was singing the whole time and one chewed gum (A BIG NO!!) and like a cow too the whole time. Some had crazy arms that were all over the place... some were bumps.. some were I swear high. (Nothing wrong with that .. just not cool at that time).
Oh my .. I'll have to see if I got any pics of the bad makeup and bad posing and put them up.
Ciao For Now,
Clive Law
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
New York Here I Come
God it's been a long time since I have even looked at Blogger.com let alone had time to write anything.
For the past year I have been taking a lot of pics... random things ... people etc. I somehow got into Fashion Photography and have all of the sudden been thrown into a lot more than I anticipated.
I shot a few Fashion shows and got published in some local mags around here... from there I got noticed by a few designers .. I have no idea why they liked my shooting style but they did. I began with a simple point and shoot camera. Taking pics really just for me and posted them on myspace. I started to get a reaction from all sorts of people. They started commenting on how I has my own style and how it was a little odd but still interesting. I made a deal with a guy off craigslist.. he was selling a camera .. a Canon XTi with an 18-55 mm stock lens for $800. I had a laptop that I no longer needed so I asked him if he wanted to trade. He accepted and off I was .. shooting everything like a madman.
My first shot at shooting fashion was at the Indianapolis Black Expo. After that I got published in the local mag. From there ... the designers called... asked if I wanted to have a similar expierence with the Midwest Fashion Week Shows. I accepted and spent about an 8 hour day there.. I got some decent shots but nothing to brag about. I made alot of connections though.. saw alot of people that I had seen before at the Expo.
From there I learned it was all like the political game I had to play in Akron and Cleveland. It's all who you know and not what you know. I contacted another designer and then another just to say hi and let them know I was interested in shooting their clothes.
Now after all of that and much more ... I'm off to shoot the Mercedes Bens New York Fashion Week shows! It was a goal of mine but not for a long time. It's really hard to get into those tents in Bryant Park... I was confirmed last week, I'm accredited and I'm in.
It's a little bit of a nerve fuck because I'm gonna be around all of these celebs and super models. I'm a nobody compared to them. When I get back I will have my pics published in a few publications as well as a gallery night in the city put on by a promotional group. I dunno it's all going so fast.
This past Sat, I got to meet and hang out with Megan McNierney (A-Model) during a casting call.. I will more than likely hang out with her and a few other designers while I'm in NYC after the shows.
I just did a shoot for another designer .. and my pics I took , one will be on the cover. In March also that same publication will do a 5 page feature on me.
I have been working my ass off for this but like I mentioned before .... it's all coming so fast.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Weird People
I really don't understand this place. I worked here for about a year under contract .. they decide that I don't meet the qualifications they set up and want to get rid of me. Today I was told they are talking more about hiring me on full time? All of the sudden I have the qualifications they need? Weird ass people.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Screwed!
So I'm getting a bit screwed at work .... the infra guy and I don't really get along so he's been talking behind my back as well as the leads back about me to the IT manager. Piece of shit I tell ya .. he has no idea I know about this so he comes with a smile every time he sees me. FUCK HIM!
I'm not going outta my way anymore to help him out I'm tired of his vegetarian dumb ass! I got ahold of the resumes for my replacement... wow ... nothing compared to me I tell ya.
Oh well I know when My release date will be .. they are going to make a decision at the beginning of October then I will have a 2 week notice after that so I have about 3 - 4 weeks left.
I have been submitting resumes all day today at work and at home... Chicago, Cleveland, Akron all over the place.
Jen and I pretty much decided on Akron/Cleveland unless I get a good offer in Chicago.
Clive
I'm not going outta my way anymore to help him out I'm tired of his vegetarian dumb ass! I got ahold of the resumes for my replacement... wow ... nothing compared to me I tell ya.
Oh well I know when My release date will be .. they are going to make a decision at the beginning of October then I will have a 2 week notice after that so I have about 3 - 4 weeks left.
I have been submitting resumes all day today at work and at home... Chicago, Cleveland, Akron all over the place.
Jen and I pretty much decided on Akron/Cleveland unless I get a good offer in Chicago.
Clive
Monday, September 03, 2007
Going Nuts?
So we have determined that our child is of the Colic breed. "Every parents nightmare", from what I hear and can attest to. I'm not sure if it's me or just the whole colic thing but I think I'm going nuts!
Constant crying and only calm for minuets a day, most of the time when she is sleeping which is another battle to be discussed later. I feel bad for Jen because she deals with this day to day and doesn't get out much.
The shitty part is when I get home from work I'm mentally drained and hearing the screaming puts me in a bad mood. I have been trying my hardest to keep calm and sane but not so sure it's working anymore.
I have been going at it with Jen about stupid shit for the past few weeks and can't help it. I don't know what to do. I can't calm down, I hear crying and it automatically makes my adrenaline shoot sky high. Combine that with the stress of possibly loosing my job in the next month, and being mentally drained from the day to day duties I do, plus the battle to keep myself up on new technologies.
Fuck , sometimes I wished that I worked in a restaurant .. no need to really know too much or be smarter than the next guy.
My headaches are slowly creeping back in and I'm constantly tired from not wanting to go to bed early. I do'nt want to go to bed too early because I know Jen needs someone there with her .. to eat , bathroom whatever. Rylie wants to stay up late for god knows why.
I'm freaking out about Jen and I fighting ... if it goes on for too long this way i'm going to shut down. Not on purpose , it just happens that way. I know me and I know how my mind reacts to situations.
Am I going nuts?
Clive Law
Constant crying and only calm for minuets a day, most of the time when she is sleeping which is another battle to be discussed later. I feel bad for Jen because she deals with this day to day and doesn't get out much.
The shitty part is when I get home from work I'm mentally drained and hearing the screaming puts me in a bad mood. I have been trying my hardest to keep calm and sane but not so sure it's working anymore.
I have been going at it with Jen about stupid shit for the past few weeks and can't help it. I don't know what to do. I can't calm down, I hear crying and it automatically makes my adrenaline shoot sky high. Combine that with the stress of possibly loosing my job in the next month, and being mentally drained from the day to day duties I do, plus the battle to keep myself up on new technologies.
Fuck , sometimes I wished that I worked in a restaurant .. no need to really know too much or be smarter than the next guy.
My headaches are slowly creeping back in and I'm constantly tired from not wanting to go to bed early. I do'nt want to go to bed too early because I know Jen needs someone there with her .. to eat , bathroom whatever. Rylie wants to stay up late for god knows why.
I'm freaking out about Jen and I fighting ... if it goes on for too long this way i'm going to shut down. Not on purpose , it just happens that way. I know me and I know how my mind reacts to situations.
Am I going nuts?
Clive Law
Monday, August 20, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
11 weeks
In about 11 weeks I'm going to be a father again. It's comin soon .. real soon.
I'm pretty excited about it.. to see what this little being will be like... will he/she act and look like me .. like Jen? What will this little one grow up to be like? It's exciting to think that I will have an influence on this childs life. With Xavier and Able I wasn't there like I should have been ... circumstances kept me away. I had to get out of that town or I would of ended up just like all the others there. Bored miserable and in jail.
Jen's mentioned the other day how she felt as if I was only thinking about the baby and not her ... not true. I am pretty excited about the baby and I talk about how I want to do all these things with him/her but in my thoughts I have included her as well.
Clive
I'm pretty excited about it.. to see what this little being will be like... will he/she act and look like me .. like Jen? What will this little one grow up to be like? It's exciting to think that I will have an influence on this childs life. With Xavier and Able I wasn't there like I should have been ... circumstances kept me away. I had to get out of that town or I would of ended up just like all the others there. Bored miserable and in jail.
Jen's mentioned the other day how she felt as if I was only thinking about the baby and not her ... not true. I am pretty excited about the baby and I talk about how I want to do all these things with him/her but in my thoughts I have included her as well.
Clive
Monday, May 14, 2007
Lazy People
What is it with some people not wanting to work? I have been dealing with this guy at work who in his own words told me he doesn't belive in hard work. He went on to say how it would never get you anywhere. He's 33 and been nothing but a desktop support guy all his life. He doesn't have any expierence with anything else besides that. Not even Active Directory! yet for some reason he thinks he should be a supervisor?? Explain that to me..please.
He bitched about how he wanted to do more and have more projects but the small ones he's given he can't or refuses to complete. He does nothing but sit at his desk and surf the net looking for get rich quick schemes. He said he hates workin in IT but yet doesn't do anything about it.
I fuckin hate people like that!! I want I want but don't do shit about it.. I went from making 18k to 39k in about a year.. how? Hard fuckin work... beating the books and my brain till I felt it swell. Now I can do more and I love it.
How can anyone have the attitude that the world owes them everything? He came to this country to make a better life I suppose but thinks we (world) should hand it to him. FUCK HIM.. I'm tired of pickin up the slack for this guy. I'm tired of workin my ass off at work and he gets to sit there doing nothing!!
He has been pissed at me lately because I have been forcing him to work .. now he doesn't have time to do stupid shit... oh well!
Lazy Lazy Lazy!!
He bitched about how he wanted to do more and have more projects but the small ones he's given he can't or refuses to complete. He does nothing but sit at his desk and surf the net looking for get rich quick schemes. He said he hates workin in IT but yet doesn't do anything about it.
I fuckin hate people like that!! I want I want but don't do shit about it.. I went from making 18k to 39k in about a year.. how? Hard fuckin work... beating the books and my brain till I felt it swell. Now I can do more and I love it.
How can anyone have the attitude that the world owes them everything? He came to this country to make a better life I suppose but thinks we (world) should hand it to him. FUCK HIM.. I'm tired of pickin up the slack for this guy. I'm tired of workin my ass off at work and he gets to sit there doing nothing!!
He has been pissed at me lately because I have been forcing him to work .. now he doesn't have time to do stupid shit... oh well!
Lazy Lazy Lazy!!
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Strange
Strange things happen to me sometimes....
So I wrote that blog about not having friends and shit like that. Yesterday right after I posted that I got an email from a recruiter looking for this:
Here you go.
This is at least 1 year long maybe contract to hire.
Job Description
Position Description
Administration of phase II of SAP ERP implementation.
Take detailed notes at business meetings
Assist project manager writing/building the project plan.
Must be technically savvy. But not technical
Rate $30.00 hr
Now I told him I didn't know alot of SAP just now getting Basis down and he said it's "Not a show stopper"
We went on to talk about it and it's in Cleveland... where all my friends are at! I told him what I could do and could not... he thought I should interview anyways.
I talked to Jen about it and she was not to sure about moving there... she does not want to be to far from her family with the baby coming. I can understand that but I can't pass this up ... I would be a fool!
His last email to me was when would I be available to start and would I have to give notice? Wow .. so I called Jason back home in Akron.. he's really excited and went on to say how he had no friends over there anymore.. everyone has their own lives and have moved away. Another funny thing too...Ann Marie was there and she actually said hi to me. I have been calling emailing and myspacing her ass for a long time with no response... the last time I saw her she got pissed at me because I didn't like her abusive boyfriend. After that she would not talk to me anymore.
Things have taken a strange but good turn.
Clive
So I wrote that blog about not having friends and shit like that. Yesterday right after I posted that I got an email from a recruiter looking for this:
Here you go.
This is at least 1 year long maybe contract to hire.
Job Description
Position Description
Administration of phase II of SAP ERP implementation.
Take detailed notes at business meetings
Assist project manager writing/building the project plan.
Must be technically savvy. But not technical
Rate $30.00 hr
Now I told him I didn't know alot of SAP just now getting Basis down and he said it's "Not a show stopper"
We went on to talk about it and it's in Cleveland... where all my friends are at! I told him what I could do and could not... he thought I should interview anyways.
I talked to Jen about it and she was not to sure about moving there... she does not want to be to far from her family with the baby coming. I can understand that but I can't pass this up ... I would be a fool!
His last email to me was when would I be available to start and would I have to give notice? Wow .. so I called Jason back home in Akron.. he's really excited and went on to say how he had no friends over there anymore.. everyone has their own lives and have moved away. Another funny thing too...Ann Marie was there and she actually said hi to me. I have been calling emailing and myspacing her ass for a long time with no response... the last time I saw her she got pissed at me because I didn't like her abusive boyfriend. After that she would not talk to me anymore.
Things have taken a strange but good turn.
Clive
Friday, March 02, 2007
Destination Nowhere
This is going to sound so bad and I know anyone reading it without any background on me is going to think I'm just a complete asshole but here it goes.
I'm not sure if I'm in love with Jen anymore. I can't tell what it is. We have fallen into this rut of daily activities that I'm just not used to having. We go to work ... come home , dinner watch the same shows, bed, start again. Weekends are a bore too.
This last weekend we did nothing but sit around. Some days it's nice but I'm starting not to like it.
On Saturday I just wanted to leave .. drive off somewhere with or without her and go nowhere for awhile ... like a day. Just drive with no destination.
I'm going crazy once again. I feel this sometimes and don't know how to handle it. I question my relationship with Jen on constant intervals throughout the day. I can't have sex with her anymore .. I'm not attracted to her. On the other hand I feel real bad for feeling this way.
I see other girls and I know I could be dating them but on the other hand I fell in love with Jen personality .. .those girls didn't really have one. No ambitions.
I want to do more. I want us both to do more together... I like wandering the Earth taking pictures.. she thinks I'm weird.
I don't know what to do.
Clive Law
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
L@y0ff D@yz
It's officially layoff day here @ work. I knew this was going to happen I think everyone did but had no idea when it was coming.
Everyone is in a meeting ... I don't see anyone in their offices. I only know for sure that the R&D guys are going.
Well I started to write this at the beginning of my day and only now got back to it. It was an interesting day... I thankfully was not let go. I was told by the president of the company we had nothing to worry about. Whew!
Everyone is in a meeting ... I don't see anyone in their offices. I only know for sure that the R&D guys are going.
Well I started to write this at the beginning of my day and only now got back to it. It was an interesting day... I thankfully was not let go. I was told by the president of the company we had nothing to worry about. Whew!