Where to begin with this ...
My mind is wrapped around so many so many things right now it's getting hard to keep up with it all. Mini freak outs here and there .. silent screams, nerves all shot. My brain feels like it's about to explode at times.
I need a break .. a real one .. go away where no one knows me again. I seem to get into this situation everywhere I go. Each new path leads to the same situations ... me stuck feeling like a mad man but this time I have to keep my cool, too many people watching.
Sometimes .. I feel like running away , just like I always have before .. it's safe and I know that I can start over again .. new identity, new life although usually very lonely.
Some moments I want to stay ... thinking these things will solve themselves without human intervention but I know deep down it's not the case.
I don't think I have ever got to be me .. not for years ... I can't remember when the last time I was actually me.
No, I'm not outgoing ..
No, I'm not the type of person to share my thoughts or feelings with you .. it's just not me but yet I still have.
I play the roles well because it's what I was taught .. "act as if" in all situations so no one knows. I make friends easily because I was taught how. It's getting harder and harder to do that. I'm afraid no one will like the real me .. introverted? Maybe to some ... I just think a lot. Sometimes I can't think ... sometimes I can't smile.. nothing personal .. it's just who I am.
Sometimes I like to stare off into space ... stare at the walls and let the thoughts flood in and out .. each being carefully looked over one by one but in a matter of seconds.
Sometimes I like to drive far away just to drive and see a new area I have never seen before... sometimes I just like to be alone .. it's just how I was raised .. alone and that became comfortable to me. I embraced being alone .. I embraced the conversations with no one.
This is not how a normal person is ... this is not how a man with children is supposed to be.
Does this make me a bad parent? Does this make me a crazy man? Does this make any damn sense at all?
I have been here before .. thought I had fixed this place ... I was wrong .. I can't fix it! It's not meant to be fixed .. I can see this now .. finally, it's just who I am.
For some this will be a hard ideal to except .. but if I can't be me , then you will never really know who I am.
Screaming out the window
Watch me die .. again today
Hopeless .. situation
Endless price I'll have to pay
- Diary of a Madman
Clive
